


go up in smoke

by WattStalf



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Aftercare, Burnplay, Cigarettes, F/M, Masochism, Masochist reader, Second Person, Smoking, Vaginal Sex, fuck don't read this i, oh god what have I done, x Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-24 14:34:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7511998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WattStalf/pseuds/WattStalf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You have fantasies that you're sure you will never get to live out, and Shizuo is reluctant to even entertain them. Still, you try to come up with something that might work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ain't no smut till the next chapter, this is just an introduction. Why a shitty reader insert? Because I wanted to write about this guy but i like...don't ship him with anyone? at all? (this has since changed since I wrote this fic, but even so, the people I ship him with now wouldn't work in this context) So I'm throwing the fangirls a bone and a trip to the bonezone.  
> 

When there are still traces of anger in his features, when he comes home with his fists clenched and teeth grit, when it's clear that he still has some cooling off to do- these are the times when you desire him the most, but are also the times you know you have absolutely no chance of getting anything from him. It's too dangerous, naturally, and he's reluctant enough about the relationship as a whole. If something were too happen to you, well, that would just be too much, and even though you know you wouldn't be able to handle what he would be able to give, it doesn't stop you from wanting it.

You've always had that side to you, the side that thinks it would be quite a thrill to see how much your lover can hurt you, and maybe you'd say something about mingling pain and pleasure, but you're not sure you want to be that cheesy. The point is, you know you'd like it, but you also know that he can't, that he can barely fuck you as is without worrying about it. He can't muster the control needed, and it's so goddamn frustrating that the very thing that makes you want him so much is the very thing that makes it impossible to really get what you want.

You can take care of yourself, and you've been taking care of yourself for a while. Back when you first started dating, when he was afraid to even touch you, you got very well acquainted with yourself, and that was when the fantasies first sprung up. When you finally admitted to him how badly you wanted him and he finally gave in, you kept those fantasies in the back of your mind, and even now, they almost always have some part in getting you off. You spend so much time alone thinking about it that you feel guilty, but what other option is there? Shizuo will never agree to something like that, will never be capable of simply hurting you without hurting you too much, and even if he could, there's no way he will ever trust himself enough to try.

But the desire is eating at you, and you have such a hard time keeping it to yourself and keeping it from showing on your face that there's something more you want. It isn't that he doesn't do it for you; you doubt anyone will ever make you as happy as he does, but once one realizes just how badly they want something, it's hard for anything else to measure up, and a secret like that is hard to keep from the person you're closest to. It's no wonder, really, that he starts to catch on.

"What is it?" he asks one night, and you see a brief flash of irritation in his eyes. It's almost impossible to hide how much this excites you and you have to look away, which only makes you look even more guilty.

"What?" you ask.

He takes a deep breath, making a visible effort to stay calm, before saying, "You don't seem as...happy, as you used to. I've noticed it a lot lately, so if there's something I'm doing wrong..."

"I'm happy!" you argue. "Why would you even think-"

"It takes longer, and you look distracted, and it's just obvious," he snaps, then pauses once more. "I don't want to fight about this, I just want to know if I'm doing something you don't like or if there's something you want me to do different. Just tell me, alright?"

"It isn't important..."

"If I'm doing something to make you unhappy, then it is important." The mood is lost, and he rolls to the side, laying next to you and waiting for a response.

You don't want him to be upset with you, and you don't want him to think that you're upset with him. And hiding something from him has always felt wrong, and having him look at you like that, worried and a little bit annoyed, you wonder if it really would be such a bad thing to be completely honest with him. The two of you have been together for some time, and you trust him. What's the worst that can happen?

"I sometimes think about...well, I mean, I've fantasized about..." It's harder to put it into words than you expected, even knowing that it isn't exactly uncommon. There are plenty of people who like this sort of thing, but to confess it to him under such circumstances... "I like to fantasize about something, that's why I seem distracted."

You hope, in vain, that that'll be enough for him, but of course it isn't and he raises a brow. "Fantasize? About what?"

"About you! I promise, it's always about you, just about...something we can't do," you say. "So that's why I just fantasize, and that's why it's nothing to worry about."

"Are you going to tell me what it is?" He isn't going to back down, but with him staring you down like this, you can't think of a convincing lie.

"I like to think about you hurting me."

There is a very uncomfortably long pause following that, and you watch as his expression shifts and shifts and shifts, but is never quite readable. Finally, he speaks, his voice just barely level. "And you know that's something I'm terrified of doing, don't you?"

"I don't mean- I don't- not _really_ hurt me, you know? I wouldn't want...something like that, but just a little bit like..."

"Like someone normal could do?"

You nod, feeling more guilty than you can ever remember feeling. "I know we can't. That's why it's just a fantasy."

"Yeah," he says. "Yeah. It's just a fantasy. I would never put you in that kind of danger. If I go even a little bit too far, I'll go all the way, and you know that."

He doesn't seem to want to talk much after that, and you can't blame him. Why wouldn't he be uncomfortable, finding out that your secret desire is something he can never do, and something that scares him more than anything? You quietly tell him one last time that you always understood it was impossible, and he nods, but you know that he's not reassured.

Sighing, you roll over and try to sleep, but even knowing that you've done something to upset him, you still aren't freed of your fantasies. Having them out in the open and having him shoot them down has done nothing to dispel them, and you wish that there was something, anything, you could do about this. Eventually, Shizuo falls asleep, but you lay awake, thinking and when you're sure that he isn't going to wake back up, you give in to your fantasies, and tonight, you pinch your arm with your free hand, just to see what the pain does to you.

It's then that the idea starts to take form.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry

A few tense days pass, in which you see Shizuo so rarely that you begin to wonder if you've pushed him too far. It wasn't as if you wanted him to know the truth of your desires, and it was his insistence that had even lead to you speaking of them, so really, he had no right to be upset with you. Still, you can't bear the thought of him losing interest in you over that, and if you lose him, you aren't sure what you'll do.

Even with all of that on your mind, you still have time to think on your idea to a solution to the problem, should he decide to stay with you and should he be willing to explore things. Just a minor pinch had done wonders for you, and the sensation reminded you of something, or made you think of something; you aren't sure what and you aren't sure which. So you spend what time you can thinking about it, while Shizuo keeps his distance and the two of you see as little of each other as possible.

Finally, he is ready to talk to you about things, and the first thing he does is apologize. “It was just hard to hear something like that,” he says. “I know that you didn't mean any harm by it and that you were keeping it from me because you knew I'd react like that. I just needed some time to think about things, but I'm not upset with you. Just...I want to make sure you understand why I can't do something like that.”

You nod and say, “I always understood.”

“Good.” He smiles for what might be the first time since the argument, and pauses before saying, “You know that if there were a way, I would do it, right? If there was some way where I knew I didn't run the risk of going to far, I would. I do want you to be happy, I just also want you safe, you know?”

You nod again, and do not tell him that you might be able to come up with a way. There's no point in potentially starting another fight when you've just made up, and you aren't sure about it yet anyway. You know that you'll have to cross that bridge eventually, but for now, you're just happy to see that Shizuo isn't mad at you.

~X~

A few days later and the idea is fully formed in your mind. If he really meant what he said about being willing to do something, if there was a way, then he should be okay with this. If not, well...you'll just have to wait and see about that, and pray he will understand even if he does not agree with it. But it _should_ all be okay, and he should be able to do this without you ever being at any great risk. There is, naturally, the risk that comes with any sort of pain, but there shouldn't be anything beyond that.

You think about backing out a few times, but you know that you can't, not if you want to make any sort of progress, and one day, you make your move. Shizuo has been home for about ten minutes, and he's still a little stressed out, you can tell, but unwinding fairly quickly. He's standing and smoking, and you watch him for a moment as he inhales and exhales, blowing smoke into the room. You can feel yourself getting excited, and you steel yourself, walking up to him.

He lowers his cigarette to say something to you, but before he even has the chance, you press your arm against the burning tip, hissing as the sharp pain sets in. Shizuo jerks back in surprise, shouting, “What the hell are you doing?”

“It hurts,” you say softly, looking up at him under your lashes.

“Of course it does, you just _burned_ yourself and-” His eyes widen and he stops short as he realizes exactly what you're saying. “Oh. _Oh_. You mean you...that's something you like.”

Nodding, you quickly try to explain yourself. “I thought that I might like it, and I also thought...well, it might not be too much for you, right? You barely have to do anything, and if you want, I can do most of it myself. It seemed like the best solution and a good way to meet in the middle. Please don't be mad...”

He looks so conflicted that for a moment, you think he's going to get mad anyway, or at the very least that things will grow tense again, but eventually, his expression settles, and he does not look upset, only concerned. “Are you sure that's something you want?” he asks. “Burning can get pretty dangerous.”

“But it's our safest option, isn't it?”

“It's safer than me trying to hit you,” he mumbles. Another pause follows, in which he really takes in the look on your face, the desperate neediness there that he knows so well. Finally, he has the chance to really give you what you need, and he isn't going to pass it up. “Come on,” he says at last.

You follow him to the bedroom, so eager you can barely contain yourself. He's starting to get into things, and teases you, taking his time undressing you, and kissing your exposed flesh as he does so. The fact that he is a gentle lover has never bothered you, even with your particular tastes- in fact, it's only made you crave those things more  _in addition_ to what he already does. The contrast will be beautiful, you're sure, and you squirm, whimpering as he takes his sweet time.

“You said you wanted to meet in the middle,” he says. “That means we have to do what I want too, right? Which means you've got to be just a little bit more patient.” He nibbles along your neck and you bite your lip to hold back the begging that threatens to spill out. If he says you have to be patient, then you will; whatever gets you there in the end, even if waiting feels like torture. You've waited this long, after all...

It feels like it goes on forever, the way he delicately handles you with feather light touches and soft kisses, and it almost seems to you like he's being even gentler than usual, like he's putting in the extra effort just to torment you. A different sort of pain than the one you crave, but somehow just as delicious and is certainly a way to meet in the middle. You feel like your heart might explode from the anticipation of it all when he finally pulls out a fresh cigarette and lights it.

He takes a drag on it first, and then moves it down to you, slowly, and he hesitates at the last second. “Are you sure?” he asks, hovering just a few inches above your skin.

“I'm sure.”

Still, he hesitates, before he admits, “I don't know if I can do this by myself. You might have to...” Unlike him, you do not hesitate in the slightest, and before he can even make the suggestion, you arch your back to meet the tip of his cigarette, the smoking end searing your collarbone. A sharp cry escapes and you tilt your head back, closing your eyes, and he does not pull back even as you push yourself further against it, until the cigarette is completely extinguished.

When you open your eyes again, breathing ragged, he's looking at you with concern and you smile to show him that you are okay- better than okay, actually. It's exactly what you needed, after all, and you squirm underneath him again. You want him to burn you again, and you'd like it if he did more of it himself this time, but you also just _want_ him, so badly that you can't stand it.

“Was that too much?” he asks, his concern not fading until he actually hears you voice your feelings on the matter.

“ _No_ ,” you breathe, “that was...that was...” There aren't words for it, but he seems to be able to understand what you're trying to say by your tone and expression alone, and his own expression relaxes. He reaches for his lighter again, nodding to himself, and then a look of determination comes over his features.

“I'll try this one,” he says as an explanation, and relights his cigarette. You lay back, squeezing you thighs together as you wait for him, and then he brings it down, pressing it right next to where you burned yourself before. The pain is no less intense this time, and no less euphoric, and your cry comes a little sharper as you can feel yourself getting close from this alone. You wrap your legs around him while he presses it hard into you until, once again, the flame goes out.

This time, you look down at your collarbone and can just barely see the fresh, angry red marks the burns have left behind. You'll easily be able to cover them with clothes, though the one on your arm might be a bit more difficult. That doesn't matter to you in the moment, however, and the only thing that _does_ is how good it feels to really _hurt_ like that, and how much more you want Shizuo because of it.

“One more?” he asks, and you're surprised at how eager he is now. “That wasn't...that wasn't hard at all. I think you're right about this. One more time?”

Nodding, you say, “ _Please_ , I want...” Your breath hitches in your throat, and in one quick thrust he's inside of you, without needing you to finish your sentence to know that's what you're asking for. Moaning, you lose yourself for a moment and when you come to your senses again, you see that he's lighting his cigarette once more, bringing it down to burn you one last time while he fucks you. You arch your back, leaning into the cigarette while also raising your hips against his, and he presses it down, hard.

For a moment, you can't breathe, the combined sensations nearly doing you in right then and there, and you only barely manage to hold out until the flame is extinguished and he reaches to the bedside table, making sure it is completely stubbed out in an ashtray. His attention returns completely to you after that, and his slow, easy thrusts contrast the frantic way you write beneath him.

He doesn't give in, however, and manages to keep up his own rhythm, as much as it may be torturous to the both of you, and of course you're the first to come. It was only a matter of time, and honestly a miracle that you were able to hold out for this long. You can still feel the dull pain from all the burn wounds even as you're overcome with pleasure and, if anything, that only prolongs your orgasm.

It is a very long time before you really come down from it, and by then, he's already pulling out of you just before he finishes himself off with his hand. You scoot to the side so that he will have room to lay beside you, and the two of you are quiet and content, taking time to catch your breath. The spots on your chest and arm are still stinging, and that feeling is just as satisfying as any afterglow.

Eventually, Shizuo gets up and goes off into the bathroom, and when he returns, he has a small bottle and some tissues. He helps you to sit up and then begins cleaning your burns, chuckling a little to himself when you wince at _that_ sting. “So, not all pain has the same effect, then?”

Shaking your head, you laugh as well. “No, I guess not. Thank you...for helping me, but also for...you know, trying that.”

“I told you before that I wanted to make you happy. I'm just glad we found something that worked for both of us,” he says. “But I also said I want you to be safe, so hold still until I've finished cleaning this up, alright?”

Nodding, you do as your told, already excited to think about the next time he wants to something like this.

 


End file.
